Worse Than Coleslaw

Social Aspects

1. Determine how comfortable you are with lying to your students. Your relationship with your students will be built on them asking and being asked simple questions such as “What is your favorite musical group?”  Now, maybe your favorite band is Neutral Milk Hotel—and why shouldn’t it be?  However, the person who asked you the question has no idea what the fuck a Neutral Milk Hotel is, and you aren’t going to be able to explain it to them.  Your answer will be met with blank stares and disappointment.  Conversely, if you answer “Green Day,” or “Avril Lavigne,” or even “Nirvana,” suddenly the person who asked you this will get excited and say, “Oh, me too me too me too!”  You have just established a rapport.  You can definitely make the case that this is a disingenuous, Machiavellian way to live—and you are well within your rights to decide that you don’t want to lie to your students under any circumstances.  But given the limitations on your ability to communicate, it is also a very effective way to ingratiate yourself to the people whose continued goodwill you rely on.
2. This is prison rules. Since your job description is quite poorly defined and subject to the whims of the Japanese teachers you work with, it’s important to establish expectations early on.  If you want to go to clubs after school and hang out, do it as early as possible.  Don’t arrive super early or stay late on your first day.  With such a poorly defined position, the expectations of those monitoring you will be formed in large part by your own actions.  You want to ease into certain things, but do everything you can to establish your identity and “character” quickly before you get stuck doing things you don’t want to do.
3. If you do not have the ability already, learn to snap your fingers, moon walk, and do that thing where you put your fingers in your mouth and whistle really loudly. Many of your students, especially the younger ones, will have never seen someone do these things and will thus be very impressed.
4. Buy some weird ties from someplace like CyberOptix or similar. It is not easy to establish your identity as the cool teacher through words since very few of the kids you are teaching can understand what you are saying, you need to establish a persona through nonverbal methods.  Oddball ties are a great way to do further this goal, assuming you are a dude… or a lady who is inclined to incorporate ties into her daily ensembles.
5. Set your hipster street cred on fire. Japanese high schoolers love American music.  More specifically, they love the kind of American music that no self-respecting, tight-pants-wearing “Pitchfork Media” enthusiast would ever listen to even under penalty of death, but you’d have to be stoned or stupid to think that you are somehow earning any points with your students by giving them a bunch of obscure German synth-pop bands no one’s ever heard of when they ask you what kind of music you like.  Additionally, none of the bands whose CDs made your “Top Ten” list this year will have any songs you can sing at karaoke, so stop being a pretentious dick, have another beer, and sing “Wonderwall” already.
6. Don’t like sports?  You do now.
7. Incidentally, your new favorite baseball team is either the New York Yankees or the Boston Red Sox. Those are the only two American baseball teams your students have heard of because those two teams have popular Japanese players on them.
8. Learn to sing “Linda Linda” by the Blue Hearts. It is a great sing-along sort of tune that is well known by almost everyone in Japan, perfect for breaking out at karaoke while in the company of Japanese people—be they your coworkers or just some people you met on the street—who will be thoroughly impressed by your performance.  Luckily, the chorus is pretty easy to remember.  It goes “Linda Linda, Linda Linda Linda, Linda Linda, Linda Linda Linda.”  Think you can manage that?
9. No one in Japan has ever heard of the pillows or “Cowboy Bebop.” If you have made it to Japan, you have probably watched and enjoyed Cowboy Bebop and downloaded the entire pillows discography after hearing their music in FLCL, and are excited to be in the land that created both of these things.  That’s fine; they are both quality works, and anyone who gives you shit about being a fanboy or whatever is a bad person who doesn’t believe in intellectual curiosity.  If a Japanese person asks you your favorite Japanese band, you will want to say “the pillows.”  This is only natural.  But that person will almost never know what the hell you are talking about.
10. No one will understand any of your jokes. You’re probably a very hilarious person back home, but the rules of humor changed while you were in the air over the Pacific Ocean.  In the context of your daily life, humor consists entirely of sight gags and references to Japanese pop culture.
11. Eat lots of Japanese food. Besides the fact that Japanese food is often delicious, “What are your favorite Japanese foods?” will almost always be the first question anyone in Japan asks you.
12. Figure out your blood type. Offhand you probably have no idea what your blood type is, but blood types are a Thing in Japan.  Your blood type is believed to say something about your personality, like your astrological sign or the results of a Rorschach test.  Your students will want to know what your blood type is, and you run the risk of sounding like a dweeb if you can’t answer them when they ask you.  Not knowing yours is an excellent excuse to give blood, which is a thing that you should be doing anyway.

Professional Aspects

1. Your training will be worthless. Despite the fact that the people doing the training at these things are likely veteran teachers, every suggestion they give you for how to conduct yourself in and outside of class will instill you with a deep sense of terror while still remaining utterly irrelevant to the ways that people actually live and work as ALTs in Japan.  Additionally, the sample activities your trainers teach you will, for one reason or another, not apply to any of the classes you teach.  For example, someone at some point during training will mention that “Battleship” variants are a great way to have students practice combining different phrases to form sentences.  This is 100% bullshit; your students will have never heard of “Battleship,” and trying to explain the rules of such a game to your them using crude hand gestures and bone tools will take up more class time than actually playing it.
2. Even if your training isn’t worthless, it will still be worthless. The job description of an ALT is so poorly defined that every teacher you work with will have different expectations from you: some will want you to teach the entire class all by yourself with no help at all, and some will want to stand you up at the front of the class while they teach and periodically have you repeat words and phrases like a trained monkey so your students can hear the correct pronunciation.  Depending on what company you work for, elementary, junior high, and high school teachers will often be trained together, despite occupying radically different positions.  So even if you receive good advice at training, it will likely be advice for someone who will be doing a totally different job.
3. Learn to speak Japanese. People will tell you that you do not need to know any Japanese to teach English in Japan.  This is true, in that you will not necessarily catch fire if you set foot in a Japanese classroom without being able to compose a haiku in kanji, and you are usually discouraged from using any Japanese in the classroom anyway.  But living in a foreign land—especially in the small town off the beaten path that you are most likely to be sent to your first time out—is not very much fun when you can’t speak the language, and neither is trying to communicate the concept of words like “pudding” or “dugong” to Japanese teenagers entirely in English.  Additionally, since learning a language is an exponential process—that is, the more of a language you know, the easier it is for you to learn said language—you will most benefit from the immersion if you already have a firm grasp of the basics.  Your experience will be so much richer if you are able to at least get by in day-to-day conversational Japanese: you’ll be able to form stronger bonds with your coworkers, you’ll be better able to understand the dynamics of your classes and connect with your students more as a human being and less as a walking test of their knowledge, and you’ll have an easier time getting around during your off hours.  You will be able to have confusing cultural oddities explained to you, which will in turn help you to get a much clearer picture of your host country’s ins and outs.  This is not to say that you should let a low level of Japanese proficiency keep you from seeking a teaching position, but do be aware that there are real and significant downsides to coming in blind.
4. Word Searches are your master. You probably hated doing word searches when you were in elementary school (unless you were clinically insane), but you’ll find that in many cases there are students who never pay attention in class under any circumstances except for when you put a word search in front of them.  You should come to every single class with two sets of word searches with relevant vocabulary for extreme emergencies—one short word search for when your lesson goes south, and another longer word search for when your lesson goes to hell.
5. Over-preparedness is sometimes worse than under-preparedness. Just because you are given five hours each day to do lesson planning doesn’t mean you should actually use all that time to plan lessons.
6. Activities will always end five to ten minutes before you want them to. This is, of course, unless they take twenty minutes longer than you want them to.

Things to keep in mind.

1. The city, town, or small fishing village you are sent to will suck.
2. If the place you are sent to does not suck, fuck you. Lucky bastard.
3. Japanese teenagers do not speak English. Despite the fact that you are teaching them English—which would suggest that it is not something they already know—it is easy to forget just how little of what you say is really understood by your students.
4. Japanese English teachers often do not speak English. There are plenty of Japanese teachers whose English is excellent, but many (if not most) will be deficient enough that communicating with them will be difficult.
5. You are the least important person at your school. Japanese high schools are swirling nexuses of psychotic activity.  Many of the students commute up to an hour to get to school and stay until 6 or 7 at night and come in for several hours on weekends doing club activities.  The teachers routinely work 10- or 11-hour days on weekdays and often come in on weekends to help with the clubs they sponsor or catch up with grading.  Everyone is busy with matters that they take very seriously.  Most of the teachers took English in school but remember about as much as you remember of calculus or art history, so unless you can manage conversational Japanese you will not have a very easy time making small talk with them.  The chair you sit in all day will be the shittiest back-pain-inducin’ torture device they can find, and if you even have a computer it will be an old ThinkPad from like 2001 with unidentified sticky goo all over the keyboard and an ancient Japanese Windows ME install.  And since the students clean the school themselves, there isn’t even a custodial staff for you to feel superior to, just one janitor who takes care of the real heavy lifting.  Your coworkers may or may not even tell you when there is a fire drill scheduled.
6. Most schools will not care if you fall asleep at work. Since the teachers at Japanese schools work such long days, it is viewed as perfectly acceptable for them to catch a few quick Z’s at their desk.  This is usually interpreted not as slacking off, but as some sort of demented dedication.
7. If your schools do care that you are falling asleep at work, they will not tell you. Since it’s not worth worrying about and won’t affect you either way, you might as well just go for the snooze if you are tired.
8. Your kids may be Japanese, but they are still high school students. Your students will probably be much more polite and attentive than American students at a similar sort of school (that is to say, a poor, rural school may still have some punkass kids in it, but they will be less punkass than punkasses in America).  However, a typical Japanese high school curriculum consists of 10 - 12 classes per year, each class meeting two or three times per week.  Statistically speaking, those are not good odds that the class you are teaching (which was not optional and is held right after lunch) is any one random student’s favorite class.
9. Learn what your hometown is famous for. Every town in Japan is famous for something, be it a style of traditional dance specific to that region or a particular kind of food or whatever.  People assume that this is the case for American cities as well and will want to know about it.  If your hometown isn’t really famous for anything in particular, or the thing it is famous for is too complicated to easily explain (“My hometown is famous for being the home of the biggest magnet laboratory in the Southeastern United States”), you once again have to decide whether or not to just make some stuff up.
10. You are probably going to get screwed by your landlord. In Japan there is a practice known as “key money” where your pay your landlord a cash tribute (usually equivalent to one-and-a-half to two months’ rent, although it can be higher) as a way of thanking him or her for renting to you even though you are a dirty foreigner before he or she gives you the key to your new place.  And I know that you are probably saying to yourself, “Yeah, that’s called a deposit, asshole.  They do that in America too.”  But no, key money is not a deposit, but a bribe.  The money goes directly into your landlord’s pocket and will never be seen by you again.  The deposit (also equivalent to two months’ rent) is a separate expense, and If your apartment has tatami mats, a good chunk of your deposit will go towards replacing them when you move out regardless of whether they actually needed replacing.  If you manage to bypass one or more of these issues, you are the lucky exception rather than the rule.
11. Regardless of the age of your students, one or more of them is almost certainly going to try to stick his or her finger up your asshole. This prank is known as a “kancho.”  If none of the kids you teach tries this during your entire tenure as an ALT, you should consider it not the normal state of affairs but a very pleasant surprise.

1. I once wanted to Change the World. A part of me still does. At the moment, though, I’ll settle for having health insurance.
2. I wear my glasses all the time despite the fact that I can still see pretty decently without them. I tell myself that this is because, if I didn’t put them on in the morning and keep them on all day, I’d never remember to put them on even when I did need them.
3. A major reason why I am thinking about leaving Japan is that I hate being in a place where no one laughs at my jokes.
4. All of the best decisions of my life have been made for the stupidest reasons imaginable.
5. I’ve spent a good portion of my life idolizing the image of the slacker savant, that figure in movies and books and such who excels in life while minimizing his or her actual work output. I (literally) slept through high school and got a 4.2 GPA, all-nightered it through college and graduated magna cum laude and with honors, and devoted myself to as many pursuits that I was already good at as possible so as to reduce the amount of practice I would have to put in to those pursuits. Now that I am ostensibly an adult, however, this approach is much less successful at allowing me to actually do anything with my life.
6. I prefer to have a relatively small number of close friends than an extensive network of casual acquaintances because I hate the idea that the words I speak mean less to the person I am speaking them to than they do to me.
7. I keep waiting for one of the books I am always reading or the CDs I am always listening to or the movies I am always watching to somehow encapsulate my existence and explain to me why I am the way I am and what shape my life should take from here on out. At some point I got sick of waiting for this to happen and tried creating my own catalysts for personal growth in the form of short stories, funny articles for the school newspaper, and blog entries on Facebook, which brought me closer but still haven’t quite done the trick.
8. I really suck a planning and organizing. This might be one reason why I dislike my current job so much.
9. The idea of wearing a tie or even a collared shirt is irrationally offensive to me. As far as I can tell a tie serves no practical purpose whatsoever, and I hate being beholden to arbitrary standards that have no basis whatsoever in reality.
10. I really, really want to get a “Calvin and Hobbes” tattoo.
11. It takes me forever to answer e-mails and such because I always try to really think about what I’m going to write back, and if I’m not feeling particularly eloquent at that specific time I’ll put the message aside and wait until I am. Sometimes this can go on for days (and weeks), even with something simple like writing on someone’s Facebook wall. For similar reasons, it took me a long time to write this list.
12. I tend to get really nervous when shopping for clothes, so I do as much shopping as I can online. When I do go to an actual store to buy clothes, I don’t always spend as much time as I should trying things on and finding something that really fits me. As a result, many of the clothes I own are (noticeably) either to big or too small, but I wear them anyway.
13. You know that one game people play when they’re drunk sometimes where you hold out ten fingers and take turns saying something you’ve never done, and then if any of the other people in the group have done that thing, they put one finger down until there is only one person left who still has one or more of his or her fingers up? And since this game is mostly played by drunk people, the “I have never” statements usually end up being about sex? Yeah, I always win that game.
14. I hate waking up early. I recently realized that I have never woken up before 10 AM voluntarily. Even in instances where I’d volunteered to do something that took place before 10 AM, when it came down to actually waking up for that thing, I’d have hit the snooze button and gone right on sleeping if I could have. If I ever get married, my wedding will have to be in the evening or else I’d stay up until all hours the night before and then hit the snooze button four times in the morning and almost be late.
15. Despite my intense dislike of waking up, I have a pathological tendency to go to bed at late hours for no other reason than I hate the thought of spending less time awake and doing my own thing than I spent at work on a given day.
16. There is no number sixteen.
17. Something about an ordinary, quiet life is extremely appealing to me and is also terrifying. I realize that my personal happiness has historically been linked more to the proximity of good friends and the amount of time I am able to devote to goofing off rather than traditional indicators of success such as creative output or professional development, but this is hard for me to justify philosophically. It’s still hard to say whether hard work and great deeds will win out in the end over my desire to spend entire days watching music videos on YouTube.
18. I love food, but I have an extremely unrefined palette. To me, there is very little difference between a Subway sandwich and one from an actual deli, Chipotle is the ultimate Tex-Mex establishment, and KFC’s factory chicken tastes better than almost all of the “authentic, home cooked” fried chicken I’ve eaten at restaurants in my various travels across the Southern United States. The one exception to this rule is with soda; I stick with Coke or Pepsi and don’t touch that offbrand stuff.
19. Even though I consider myself an environmentalist, I have never, ever had fun on a hiking trip.
20. My favorite album of all time is Neutral Milk Hotel’s “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea.” Many is the time I have made myself hoarse by belting out “Oh Comely” while driving too fast down I-10 on my way to one destination or another.
21. I think it would be cool to be a stand-up comedian, but, like many other jobs that seem cool, I have no idea how one actually gets into that line of work.
22. I don’t make eye contact with people unless I think about it really hard. I try to play this off as an amusing personality quirk rather than the sign of a deranged mind. It is an especially unfortunate tendency at job interviews, but is inconvenient in a wide variety of social situations.
23. My favorite novel is Picture This by Joseph Heller. Despite repeated gushing recommendations and despite the fact that I have loaned it to at least two different people, I have yet to convince a single one of my friends to actually read it.
24. My personal theme song is “Aside” by The Weakerthans, unless I’m trying to psych myself up to do something important, in which case it’s “Boy Decide” by Murder By Death.
25. I have trouble being concise.